At work today I was having a conversation with my coworkers, and an interesting 'theory' was brought up. Now keep in mind, these were guys so who knows where they came up with this.

The idea is that a girl who is dating a guy that is less attractive than she will be happy and the relationship will work. This is because the guy will feel that he needs to try and work a bit harder to be with the girl so that she won't move on and find someone else. But if a girl were to date a man that is more attractive than she, the relationship is likely to fail. This is because the girl will feel insecure wondering what he's up to all the time, and worried that he will leave her for something better.

In a way, it makes a bit of sense. I'm not saying I agree with this completely, I want to believe that a girl can date guy that's better looking than she is and be happy, and be in a place where he wants to be with her and not with anyone else (better looking or not). The way we were talking about it though made me feel like 'Oh great, so I can't be with an attractive guy without him leaving me for someone else or me feeling insecure all the time?". It wasn't the most encouraging conversation. I like to think that this isn't completely true. Then again, I guess it might all come down to how confident you are too.

Tonight I was watching the movie Easy A featuring Emma Stone, and her character says something that I absolutely love.

"What ever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies. I want John Cusack holding a boom box outside my window. I want to ride off on a lawn mower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from sixteen candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his first into the air because he knows he got me just once. I want my life to be like an 80's movie. Preferably one with a really awesome musical number, for no apparent reason".

I completely agree with this. Maybe I'm just completely cheesy, but there would be nothing like having one of those moments in real life. No guy would do this, but I think it would be awesome to look out my window and have some guy blasting some sort of classic song from a boom box. Although these days it would be coming from an iPod hooked up to a portable stereo dock, but the thought would be there. Hell, I'd even take a ride on a lawnmower. There's also those great moments you'll see on TV and the movies where the guy and the girl are talking, and all of a sudden he just reaches for her and kisses her. As adorable as these situations are, they would never happen in real life. I supposed that's why they call it acting. Even still, watching those classic moments still makes your heart melt. I know I'll still secretly hope I'll have my own 80's movie moment someday, and yes a really awesome musical number would be the cherry on top.

Sometimes you find forgiveness in the strangest places.

Yesterday I was faced with forgiveness. Not only was I forgiven, but I forgave someone I myself - well I think for the most part anyway. I over reacted with her, and said nasty things because I hurt, and now almost ten months later she apologizes to me for the hurt that she caused me. Although she only caused part of that hurt, I still couldn't help but me mad at her back in February. Then yesterday we came to some sort of neutral place I suppose, probably only because now she knows how I felt. Mind you, not nearly to the same extent, a seven month relationship cannot compare to a three and a half year relationship in this case, she'll probably never get exactly how much this situation could be worse for her, like it was for me. I'll admit, from the things I've heard there are times where I feel/felt bad for her, and then there are times where I'm kind of glad she finally gets why I was so upset way back, because for a while I thought she'd never be sorry for what happened. She wants to be friends, honestly we'll see. I am glad though that apologies were exchanged, because the mistakes I made out of my hurt and anger definitely come to mind when regret comes to mind.
The boy involved of course well, because of how close we were and are, it's hard for us not to try and be friends again. Before anything else we were best friends, but even though we've both changed, he's definitely changed the most and I can see that by times it won't always be the easiest thing.

Unrelated to forgiveness is something about a friend of mine. We have a strange friendship, or well I like to think so because I don't know what else to call it really. We'll talk, but we rarely see each other, and yet were still close. I've had feelings for him since I met him, which is unfortunate for me because even though he's a really great guy, I'll never get that kind of chance with him. I know this because sadly enough it's been brought up a long time ago, and I know he'll never share the same feelings for me. I am surprised at how strong those feelings are, but I guess it's one of those cliche stories that really has no good ending, and I'll just put them all aside like they don't exist (as anything more than friend to friend anyway!).

A lot of things have gone on the past week, a lot of it I can't really talk about. Mostly though, there hasn't been anything good. I do hope that it's not contagious for anyone else.

Past couple weeks I've realized that in regards to some things, I can be a bit impatient. Also, even though I'm way more relaxed / mellow than I used to be, I've also realized I need to lighten up a bit more, have fun? It's desperately needed.

Since my last post, I've made some minor changes, but so far very effective. The main one being I changed my hair. I have bangs now, something I haven't had since I was maybe thirteen or fourteen and swore I'd never have them again. So far they are going over very well, I don't think I've had so many compliments on my hair before. I've also begun to apply to College. I'm really hoping that when my grades are sent, Durham really considers me. I realize it will be a big adjustment, I mean it's in Oshawa and I'd be living in residence, but I think It's something I'd really like to do. That's a big change, and I guess it will depend on what I have here that will really keep me from leaving.

Now if you haven't already, I truly recommend buying Kid Cudi's Man on the Moon II. This album is fantastic, and actually reminds me a lot of Kanye's 808's and heartbreak album. Although I'm not saying one is copying the other, I just think the sound and they both have are incredibly catchy. I have yet to get Kanye's new album though, it was put on my Christmas list so I should have it in a few weeks.

I had really no point to this post, honestly.

Lately I've been feeling like there needs to be some sort of life altering change in my life. I'm the kind of person that forms some sort of life plan and goes with it, but I almost feel like that plan that I'm in right now isn't working for me. Not to mention, there is something terribly wrong with having a life plan (it's only to a certain extent though, like job etc.) at my age. Here I am in my first year of College, in what is apparently considered one of the hardest programs Algonquin offers, and I'm still wondering if right now it's what I want to do right now. I know I want to be a nurse, hands down, but maybe just not right now. I'm wondering if maybe I should try not going with a plan, and maybe taking some time off. Maybe even travel? I don't exactly know what needs to change but I know if something doesn't I'll probably just quit everything all together. I thought a month ago that I should move away for school next year, that's still an option. Everything is just so boring lately, and I have no drive or push to do it. It's something I need to figure out for myself I guess. Hopefully what ever I do choose to do people will back me up on it.

This time next year, this is where I will be

This time next year, I hope to be somewhere in this picture. Unless you happen to be familiar with places in the maritime's, you have no idea where this is. I decided I want to go to Dalhousie University next year, in Halifax Nova Scotia. I'm going to have to work my ass off to get there, but for some reason somethings pulling me towards that school. Don't get me wrong, I love Ottawa and Algonquin College, but there is something about moving away and getting that fresh start that appeals to me. I have relatives in the city so I wouldn't be completely alone. I need to work hard, but I've decided that's what I'm going to do. I mean, there isn't really anything, except my parents, that could 100% influence me to stay. I will do this.

the smallest things seem to be the ones you miss the most

The past couple weeks I've realized that I miss something, in a way almost you could say someone. In high school when things got busy like this, and I felt the kind of pressure that I do now, I always had a support system. My old boy friend was always there for me. We had dated almost three and a half years, and I realize now that he's one of the things that kept me reasonably relaxed and gave me that encouragement that I needed. Lately I've really been missing that. I guess I never really realized how great that aspect of him and our relationship was to have in my life, and I really don't have anything like that anymore. It was even better that he was in the same classes, and that he was very smart. Now when I have questions, I find myself going to the boys I barely know and asking them - I've never really gotten along with all girls, boys are way easier to ask these things to. I guess I do miss him, he was a big part of my life. I hope that one day I'm able to find something even close to what a great guy he was, and maybe find that comfort and support in someone else.

Choose to see the world through optomistic eyes, or at least try to.

I dread Monday mornings. It's such a cliche to dislike Monday's, usually it's because it's the day people go back to work, a new week starts, and those crazy partyers are still hung over from the weekend. My reason is because of a two hour compulsory course called Research. As important and useful as this course may be, I don't know a single person in my program that enjoys this class. There are a lot of issues with the teacher, mostly in regards to how confused and incompetent she is. This may hound harsh, but I really don't care if you have a PhD, if you can't teach me it means absolutely nothing. We'll see how tomorrow goes tomorrow, I have a strange feeling the stress and pressure is about to be piled on towards our group research assignment. Tomorrow we begin week five and last time I checked we had seven weeks of this group section.

It's insane how quickly the past month has gone by. I've managed to work my way into a routine that I'm not entirely a fan of. Somehow within that I have to try and work in visits to the Algonquin gym, runs on my own and visits to this new drop in dance studio I found out by Vanier. I'm really looking forward to the dancing especially, so I hope the studio works out. I would also love to finally try yoga. Where do I find the time?

As for the last post, scratch that. Obviously nothing could possibly continue going well for me, oh no it just fizzles withing a few days. Lately though I have been incredibly busy with school. It's to the point where I don't have a life. I'm sure plenty of people may say this, and exaggerate that fact, but this is not an exaggeration. For example, the only time I left my house this weekend was to go to work, and that includes the past week as well. Can someone save me from this disaster? I knew going into this that nursing would be a lot of work, but it worries me because I know the next four years after this will only get worse. I'm already loosing sleep and getting daily head aches. I'm hoping my life doesn't turn into some mess that I hate, because I know for a fact that if it does I'll do nothing but wonder if nursing is for me and doubt how much I really want this. I'm sure everything will work out in it's own funny way.

There has been a smile on my face for days.

Not that I have any reason not to have a smile on my face any other day, but this just happens to be a reason for me to have an even bigger smile. On Tuesday I ran into one of my friends before I had class, and I met one of his friends. That's right, I met a boy. I know this sounds quick, but within an hour he had got my number from my friend and we've been talking every now and then since. Alright we've been talking a lot, you got me. He's such a cutie, I mean really. He seems like a genuinely nice guy, and considering the type of person my friend is, I trust that he wouldn't be friends with anything but.
Honestly I've been a bit giddy, and again I love smiling this much. I'm not expecting anything to happen, I mean if it does it does. If that's the case, I'm not going to rush anything either. Lessons were learned and I think I should be single for a while just to get settled and figure things out. As much as I don't want to say this, I am 'that girl' who is always in a relationship. I know it's only been two days but you never know! I just thought I would share this, and also remind people and myself that I do in fact have my head on straight and I don't believe things should be rushed. To be honest, I think I would be just as happy if we ended up being friends - he's just that nice!

Can you tell I think Andy Warhol was brilliant?

and at the end of the day, you either focus on what's tearing you appart or what's holding you together.

Honestly I had completely forgotten about blogger, which isn't very surprising considering what the past few months have been like for me. I can't say I'm the same person I was in January, a lot of me has changed. Just like the Kirstie Bear thing, that will have to go. I have no idea if I'll be able to blog very much, but as I'm trying to stay away from Facebook I may need another outlet other than Twitter.

I think the two biggest things that have happened since January is that I started College three weeks ago for Pre-Nursing, and that I've been hurt by boys twice in the past six months. My boyfriend of 3.5 years, gone. Another boy, who turned out to be nothing but a mistake disguised as a wannabe redneck, gone as well after about five months. Although they were both for the better, there is nothing like getting hurt, heartbroken, what ever you want to call it. Sometimes you wonder why your not good enough, what's wrong with you. The same thing that happened with one happened 6 months later with the other. I'm left alone, while they have new girlfriends. I know I can do better, just that feeling that you get, sometimes it hurts so much that you honestly don't want to feel like that again.
I've decided against getting into a relationship for a while. One, because I've only ever been in one and haven't been able to really be single, and two, because meeting boys is fairly impossible, especially when your college program has practically no eligibly bachelors. Actually, I think there's maybe 10 guys in total? It's quite sad. Problem is I hate the feeling of being alone.

Right now I'm mostly focused on school and work. I'm at the school a lot, and then when I'm not there I'm either doing work or at work. I don't have much of a social life thanks to that. The good part about all of this is that I'm not thinking about everything that's bugging me most of the time. I can't really, if I do then I'm not focused on school and I cannot let my grades slip if I want to get into the full nursing program next fall. Some days I feel like a zombie, waking up, going to school, working and sleeping. I would love my social life back actually.

To clarify, it hasn't been just boys going on the past few months. I've graduated High School, grown up a bit, started my future, and realized I have to loose 25 pounds like asap :P I'm only saying this so I don't sound like some pathetic boy freak haha, which again I am not.

We'll see if I blog again, I can't make any promises.